Am I really Bipolar II?

So, I'm trying to come to grips with the diagnoses I received last week. Like I said previously, there are a lot of stigmas attached with being "Bipolar" (think crazy Brittany Spears). I don't fit into that category, and my symptoms are milder than Bipolar I. Of course, if anyone knows me, they know how much I like to research and become knowledgeable about things. Especially medical things. I find them fascinating, unless of course they pertain to my family or myself. Then, it's a bit stressful.

So I ran over to Barnes & Nobel and picked up a book on Bipolar, and what it means. The brain is an amazing thing. Unfortunately for me, my brains chemicals are on overload causing extremes in my emotional state. The more I read about Bipolar II the more I agreed with my diagnoses. I didn't realize how much genetics played a part in mental illness, but it plays a big part. You don't even have to have a Bipolar parent to become Bipolar, often you will just have a parent who suffered from major depression. I know that depression runs in both sides of my family, so I had a higher likelihood to suffer from depression.

I've always been an emotional person, since before I can remember. I suffered from an eating disorder when I was in high school, and depression. Sure, for a lot of people that's just teen-angst. But for me it was a precursor to Bipolar.

I suffered from Post partum depression after Kenzie was born. I went undiagnosed, even though I sought treatment. The doctor I saw said that I was just an overwhelmed new mother, but I knew it was much more than that. I was extra cautious after I had Parker to make those around me aware of my previous experience with Post Partum.

I did great after Parker was born, and I attribute much of that to the fact that I began exercising 20 minutes a day, 6 days a week, when he was 6 weeks old. I lost 64 pounds in 6 months, and had never felt better. All of that came crashing down around when Parker was just 9 months old. Ryan got laid off from work, and we had to move in with his family. It was during the holidays, which contributed to the stress. On top of this my Mother was seriously ill in the hospital, and it just became more than I could bear.

It all came to head while on a shopping trip to Target with my FIL on Dec. 21, 2004. We were just stopping by Target to pick up a few things. Parker was in the shopping cart, fussing since he was getting in some new teeth. I handed him my plastic wallet to chew on. (I know, not smart) Somewhere between walking around Target and stopping next door at Staples, Parker dropped my wallet. I noticed my wallet was missing on our way back to the car. We went back to Staples to ask if anyone had seen it, and the sales clerk said that someone brought up a wallet, asked if anyone knew it was missing, and then left with it. Seriously!!? The clerk let them walk away with my wallet. We walked over to Target to see if it had been turned in there. Nope.

It was in this moment that I had a panic attack/mental breakdown. I don't remember much, beyond losing it. I was crying, and frantic. My mind was racing, and the stress of everything was too much. It also happened to be Ryan's birthday, and 3 days before Christmas. What if someone pulled out the little money we had in our account? We wouldn't be able to get the kids anything for Christmas. Ryan would probably be mad at me, and he didn't need any additional stress.

Luckily, the person who found my wallet was an honest person and called my credit card company. I was able to pick up my wallet that evening.

I visited my doctor shortly after that, where I was diagnosed as having major clinical depression, and was placed on Zoloft. The Zoloft did help to lift me out of my depression, but after a few months it didn't really work anymore. This is very common if you have Bipolar. You shouldn't be on anti-depressants if you're BP unless you're also taking a mood stabilizer. Luckily it didn't cause me to have any manic episodes, at least not that I remember.

I finally stopped taking the Zoloft last July, since it wasn't working anymore. I was fine for a few months, until January. Life has been stressful for many reasons, and I've pretty much been depressed. When my Mom got sick again it sent me into a deep depression. Then things got better, and when I was seen last week the doctor said that I was in a mixed episode. Both depression, and hypo-manic.  Pretty much all over the place. I was put on a mood stabilizer called Lamictal. He said that it could take 5 weeks for me to notice a difference. I'll go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm reacting to the meds.

One concern I have is that people have said that mood stabilizing meds can affect your creativity. I'm going to try to not dwell on that, and just pay attention to how my work is affected. I mean, with depression my work is affected anyways. I guess a lot of Bipolars are creative. (writers, artists, ect) Very interesting.

I can't really say why I'm sharing all of this information with you. I'm sure you either find it boring, or you think I'm a nutcase. I guess I just need someone to "talk" to, and a way to get it out there and off my mind. I can't hold all of this inside. Ryan really doesn't want to hear it. He thinks I'm just complaining. Besides, if anyone knows the mess that I can be, it's him. I'm sure he's just processing the information as well.

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Kenzie went in for her EEG today, and had all the wires put on. We went to the mall and bought her a fancy summer hat to wear. We're at home now, and she's relaxing on the couch, with the video monitoring her as well. Ya, did I mention that while she's at home she has to be hooked up to a video & audio recorder? So I guess I better wear my modest jammies today. :) I'll post more about her EEG tomorrow.

Thanks for stopping by.
Sara

Comments

[Debbie]

Wow Sara! You are really going through a lot! (((((HUGE HUGS))))) I just wanted to let you know that you're not boring, nor a nutcase! :) I'll be praying for you!!

[Robyn]

Sara, I'm so impressed by the way you put yourself out there by sharing yourself with us. It's so important to share stories like these. If you help just one person get the help they need, you will have done such a wonderful thing.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after my first son was born. At first I didn't tell anyone. And then I realized that I wasn't ashamed so I started talking about it. It made a big difference for my own recovery and I think it helped change the face of depression for some people in my life.

I wish you all the best as you navigate through this new diagnosis and treatment.

[BPD in OKC]

I have borderline personality disorder, which is similar to bipolar. I wish you luck. I hope you can get on the right medications and learn to cope with the disorder. I wish people didn't think of us all as being "crazy" just because we have a mental illness. In fact I think many of us are more sane than people who supposedly don't have mental illnesses.

[Dad]

Sara, just a note to let you know that we love you and totally support you. We remember when Ryan was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. It was Christmas and he was far from home and family. All sorts of "well-meaning" people came by his hospital room to share stories about this or that family member who had lost a leg, or gone blind, or whatever due to the disease. His phone call from the hospital room on Christmas Day was one of the lonliest, most heart-wrenching calls you can imagine. I wanted to get on a plane right then and fly to his side! There is no shame or guilt in facing a health challenge, be it physical or mental. Try to ignore the insensitive or misinformed comments of others, and trust in yourself and God. As we read about Kenzie and the courage she displays, we know that you are drawing strength from each other. You might just take a page from her book; the next time things get rough, just put on that big sunhat and go shopping. It will comfort you to see how many other people are wearing "sunhats", too.
Love

[Lisa B.]

I was not terribly surprised by the dx. It always seemed to me that you had so very much going for you that I could never understand your seemingly insecure feelings...did that make sense? You should know that it takes a really BRAVE person to put yourself out there like you have. I've learned TONS from your experience. Good luck with the new meds and Kenzie's tests. Looking forward to all the great new goodies you create.

[Marsha]

Sara,

You aren't alone!!! I have always had the "depression" diagnosis and wondered if it was more along the same lines as yours. I stopped taking Zoloft 6 months ago, and haven't been on anything since. I am going to check into the one you are taking. Can you tell me if you notice a difference yet?

[Shawn]

What a sweet comment from your dad first of all. I think it's great that you're so open about it. I like how Robyn said that it helps change the face of depression/mental illness. I think there are SO many people either undiagnosed or who just don't talk about it that it's so much more common than people realize. Thank you for sharing and I hope everything improves with the new meds. Take care of yourself.

[Melissa]

Sara, you are not alone! You don't know the good you are creating by talking about your story. I hope the symptoms lift on your new medications. Take care of your self and know that you have a huge support system out there.

[Kristen]

Hey Sara! I just wanted to send you a hug...I wish I was there in person to give it to you. Also, my mother is on Lamictal (it is a mood stabilizer) and Wellbutrin (for depression) and both have REALLY helped her! She is by nature a very creative person (much more than I am)and it has not stifled that streak whatsoever. She does have a hard time making decisions sometimes, but I think that goes along with the manic side of the disorder. Anyway, I hope all is settling down and give Kenzie a super big hug from me and Blake!

Love you.

[Kori Dorn]

Hi Sara! I'm glad to hear you have a diagnosis and are getting the medical care you need. You aren't a nutcase! This is a common medical concern and nothing you ever did caused it, anymore than a diabetic or a cancer patient. I was raised by a woman with bi-polar AND borderline personality disorder, however, she was not treated and with time, became a living nightmare. You are young and they are catching it at a point that you are still treatable. Yes, the anti-depressants will affect you, I know from personal experience, having been on an assortment over the years. My point is to let you know that while it sounds overwhelming, you are going to be feeling better; it may take a bit of tweaking of medications, but you will get there!

I shared with the world on my blog, how I was finally diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I don't regret it for a minute. If my story helped one other person, in any small measure, then I made the world a little bit better. By disclosing this condition, you are helping to end the negative stigma associated with mental disorders, which in your case, have a biological cause. You didn't do anything wrong, so there is no reason for you to feel ashamed or to hide this from others.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!
(((HUGS)))
Kori

[Trish]

Hi
While searching the web last night for various things, I ran across your site. I too have just been recently diagnosed with Bipolar II. At least thats what the psychiatrist said he would give as the diagnosis if he had to really choose between that or Major Depression. I'm still trying to figure out so much.

I've been depressed for a LONG time and never did anything constructive about it. The family doc gave me anti depressants but within the last 6 months things just seemed to be crashing down on me. I was a teacher and just couldn't keep up with the demands. My husband and I finally agreed it was time for me to take a break from working for a while. So, I resigned my teaching position at the end of the school year.

I also have a severe arthritis condition that I put a lot of blame on for my inabilities.

Anyway, my doc started me on Wellbutrin and now I am on Lamictal, 150 mg. He titrated me to 100 but that just didn't seem to be enough. My mood swings seem to be improving. At least my angry responses to stressors seems to be improving and my really down times are lessening (I hope). I've only been on 150 since last week. He said I should start seeing some results in a week or 2 but full results of the increase would take another 4 weeks or so.

Your story is interesting. If I'm having hypo mania, it's not too extreme. The internal feeling of anxiety makes me nuts. My heart races and I start to feel out of control. I have to get myself calmed down by sitting and trying to "reel in" all my thoughts.

I'm still processing the "process of events" that got me to this stage of my life. I had an aunt with full blown bipolar disease but no other close relatives that I know of. Talk therapy may be helping some. Your blog is interesting. I'm slowly researching this BP II thing. I'm not totally convinced yet that this is what I have. Good luck to you in your BP 2 journey. I look forward to reading more in your blog.

Thanks for listening.

Trish in VA

[Faith]

This is fascinating. I was just diagnosed with BPD II yesterday, although my primary care has suspected BPD for a few years now. Reading your comment about how anti-depressants don't really work for bipolar unless you're also on mood stabilizers hit home. I've been on many anti-depressants, and they've mostly worked just fine for a while, and then don't work anymore. My doctor put me on Lamictal and Seroquel in addition to the Cymbalta.

I hope things go well with you. I'll be checking back. If you visit my blog, I talk about my diagnosis in a password protected post. If you're interested, email me and I'll give you the password.

All the best,
Faith

[Sharleen]

Hello,

I just chanced across your blog, and I think you're really brave to share your story with everyone.

Your family is lovely, and I'm sure you'll be able to pull through everything. :)

Be strong and all the best,
Sharleen

[Debbie]

Hi,
I was diagnosed with BiPolar II about 3 months ago after suffering with major depression for the approx. 40 years. I rarely have the hypomania. Even with mood stabilizer I still have low grade depression. I have a hard time doing anything - housework, answering phone calls from friends, etc. I was on Depakote originally and gained 30 lbs. in the first 3 months. My doctor now has me on 200 mg. of Topamax and 60 mg of Cymbalta. The Topamax does not seem to be helping as well as the Depakote but I am losing weight. Does anyone else not have the hypomania episodes often? I wonder if I was misdiagnosed.

[christina]

hi Sarah! thank you for your honesty! it really means a lot when anyone who is suffering from any kind of mental illness is brave enough to talk openly about it. i was just "diagnosed" as bipolar 2 but i am so scared of taking any new meds!! i hope that everything will be all right for me and anyone else suffering from this illness...i don't want to gain weight or develop diabetes or just have a life that is even more difficult than it already is just with dealing with side effects from these meds..hope it will be ok.

[Sara]

Hi Sara. I was intro'd to you by Kerri Hicks. While she was doing it because we share the same passion of scrapbooking and designing. While I went through reading different postings, I feel like it is more of a fate thing. I just recently (Jan 2009) started going through some major counseling - 3 different therapists for different situations and going through medication modifications as well. I admire your ability to post such deep situations. That takes courage. Very impressive. I wish you the best of luck - it can sometimes be scary - I know, as I read your postings, my heart skipped a couple of beats! It is very nice to meet you.

P.S. Absolutely adore your paper & digital designs!