Life....Simply

life goes on....

So much has happened since May of 2008. It's way too much to say in one post. I will say this. Life is much different now. And life goes on. 

Look forward to a Blog Revamp coming soon. :)

Sara

Put Your Sun Hats On

Here's a picture I took of Kenzie while she was wearing her EEG. It's covered up by her lovely sun hat. This has to be one of my most favorite pictures of her to date. She is just so gorgeous with her bright eyes, and darling freckles. She is a symbol of strength, and complete sweetness. No word yet on the EEG results. We'll be seeing her Neuro doctor in June, and we still have to spend a night in a sleep center to test her for sleep apnea. I'll keep you posted on that.

OH, and in other Kenzie related news....Kenzie has her very first wiggly tooth! Three wiggly teeth in fact. Two of her bottom teeth, and one of her top teeth have started to wobble in her mouth. She's become obsessed with eating apples in an attempt to get her tooth to fall out. I think she could lose her first tooth any day now.

So, what does any cute obsessed Mom do when her daughter gets her first wobbly tooth? She looks on Etsyfor a Tooth fairy pillow, that's what. We just received her pillow in the mail today. It's sooo  CUTE that I want one for myself. I found her pillow HERE.

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More Bipolar stuff...

So, I'm on day 21 for my medication. I'm up to 50mg a day, and will jump to 100mg in a little over a week. I'm going to see my doctor on Friday to discuss dosing. I'm going to ask if I can go up by 25mg increments since I really feel the side affects when I up my dose. (fatigue, dizziness & headaches) I am starting to notice some improvement while on the meds, but I still have days where I feel like I'm in a mixed state. Yesterday was one of those days. It was just a difficult day from start to finish. The morning was emotional for me for no reason in particular. I was just overwhelmed by the busy week ahead of me. Typically when I get overwhelmed I just check out of life. I stop going places, I avoid work, I avoid all my responsibilities. I just don't want to, or can't deal with things. I feel a little bit like that this week.

In my previous post I talked about depression, and what it feels like to be depressed. Depression is only one side of this condition. For me, Hypo-mania is the other side of the coin. Hypo-mania is often very difficult to diagnose. For most people Hypomainia doesn't bother them, in fact they enjoy the "high" that hypo-mania can give them. It's a great lift from the depression you feel most of the time. And often Hypo mania comes after a bought of depression, so you assume that you're just finally feeling a lot better.

Let me describe my most recent bought of Hypo-mania, so that you can understand what I'm talking about. This was the day before I went in to see my psychiatrist. I think this helped to pin down a diagnoses for me. I was just coming out of a deep depression from when my Mom was sick.

I want you to understand that while this may just sound like the day of a busy Mom, none of these things had to be done that day. Hypo-mania can increase your energy, make you more task oriented. For me it feels like I can't sit still. I have this urge to keep going. I don't care where I go, I just want to GO. I don't want to be home, and when I am home I fill my time with lots of projects.

9:40 am - Drop Kenzie off at school.
              Go to Walgreens, pick up a prescription
              Go to the gas station, fill up the tank & go through the car wash.
              Run to the bank.
              Go to Walmart. Get my car tires rotated. Shop for 45 minutes while waiting for the car.
              Take Parker to get his hair cut.
              Take Parker out to lunch @ Chili's.
              Run home for about 45 minutes.

2:20 pm - Get Kenzie from school.
              Come home & feel antsy.
              Toss kids into the car and drive 40 Minutes to Ikea.
              Shop @ Ikea, eat a snack.
5 pm(ish) Drive home from Ikea in rush hour traffic.

6:30 (ish) Have dinner with the kids.
              Assemble the things I purchased from Ikea.

8:30pm - Feeling antsy again, make a trip to Target.

9:30pm - Get home from Target and assemble the bookshelves I purchased at Target.

11:30pm - Finally lay down to sleep. 

This is just one day and one example of how hypo-mania affects me in my daily life. You would think that I would be more productive at work when hypo, but the urge to keep moving makes it almost impossible to sit in one spot. Plus, my thoughts are racing, and I can't stay focused on one task.

Today, while looking up the connection between Bipolar and Creativity I came across a long list of famous artists, writers, actors, musicians, and famous people who have or had Bipolar. It made me feel less hopeless in my future with this illness. So many of these people were brilliantly talented, and were able to create great works in their lifetimes. It gives me hope that I will be able to function better and continue to be creative. Here's the list of people that struck me most. (and admittedly the names I recognized)  

Beethoven
Winston Churchill
Kurt Cobain
Charles Dickens
Patty Duke
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Carrie Fisher
Ernest Hemingway
Isacc Newton
Ozzy Osbourne
Cheri Oteri (from SNL)
Edgar Allan Poe
Axl Rose
Mark Twain
Vincent Van Gough
Abraham Lincoln
Jim Carey
Ben Stller
Traci Ullman
Robin Williams
Buss Aldrin
Peter Gabriel
Jimi Hendrix
Hans Christian Anderson
Napolean Bonaparte
Tim Burton
Drey Carey
Francis Ford Coppola
Emily Dickenson
Robert Frost
Marilyn Monroe
Mozart
Walt Whitman
Sting
Tennessee Williams

There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. - Aristotle

*mwah*
Sara

       

 

Am I really Bipolar II?

So, I'm trying to come to grips with the diagnoses I received last week. Like I said previously, there are a lot of stigmas attached with being "Bipolar" (think crazy Brittany Spears). I don't fit into that category, and my symptoms are milder than Bipolar I. Of course, if anyone knows me, they know how much I like to research and become knowledgeable about things. Especially medical things. I find them fascinating, unless of course they pertain to my family or myself. Then, it's a bit stressful.

So I ran over to Barnes & Nobel and picked up a book on Bipolar, and what it means. The brain is an amazing thing. Unfortunately for me, my brains chemicals are on overload causing extremes in my emotional state. The more I read about Bipolar II the more I agreed with my diagnoses. I didn't realize how much genetics played a part in mental illness, but it plays a big part. You don't even have to have a Bipolar parent to become Bipolar, often you will just have a parent who suffered from major depression. I know that depression runs in both sides of my family, so I had a higher likelihood to suffer from depression.

I've always been an emotional person, since before I can remember. I suffered from an eating disorder when I was in high school, and depression. Sure, for a lot of people that's just teen-angst. But for me it was a precursor to Bipolar.

I suffered from Post partum depression after Kenzie was born. I went undiagnosed, even though I sought treatment. The doctor I saw said that I was just an overwhelmed new mother, but I knew it was much more than that. I was extra cautious after I had Parker to make those around me aware of my previous experience with Post Partum.

I did great after Parker was born, and I attribute much of that to the fact that I began exercising 20 minutes a day, 6 days a week, when he was 6 weeks old. I lost 64 pounds in 6 months, and had never felt better. All of that came crashing down around when Parker was just 9 months old. Ryan got laid off from work, and we had to move in with his family. It was during the holidays, which contributed to the stress. On top of this my Mother was seriously ill in the hospital, and it just became more than I could bear.

It all came to head while on a shopping trip to Target with my FIL on Dec. 21, 2004. We were just stopping by Target to pick up a few things. Parker was in the shopping cart, fussing since he was getting in some new teeth. I handed him my plastic wallet to chew on. (I know, not smart) Somewhere between walking around Target and stopping next door at Staples, Parker dropped my wallet. I noticed my wallet was missing on our way back to the car. We went back to Staples to ask if anyone had seen it, and the sales clerk said that someone brought up a wallet, asked if anyone knew it was missing, and then left with it. Seriously!!? The clerk let them walk away with my wallet. We walked over to Target to see if it had been turned in there. Nope.

It was in this moment that I had a panic attack/mental breakdown. I don't remember much, beyond losing it. I was crying, and frantic. My mind was racing, and the stress of everything was too much. It also happened to be Ryan's birthday, and 3 days before Christmas. What if someone pulled out the little money we had in our account? We wouldn't be able to get the kids anything for Christmas. Ryan would probably be mad at me, and he didn't need any additional stress.

Luckily, the person who found my wallet was an honest person and called my credit card company. I was able to pick up my wallet that evening.

I visited my doctor shortly after that, where I was diagnosed as having major clinical depression, and was placed on Zoloft. The Zoloft did help to lift me out of my depression, but after a few months it didn't really work anymore. This is very common if you have Bipolar. You shouldn't be on anti-depressants if you're BP unless you're also taking a mood stabilizer. Luckily it didn't cause me to have any manic episodes, at least not that I remember.

I finally stopped taking the Zoloft last July, since it wasn't working anymore. I was fine for a few months, until January. Life has been stressful for many reasons, and I've pretty much been depressed. When my Mom got sick again it sent me into a deep depression. Then things got better, and when I was seen last week the doctor said that I was in a mixed episode. Both depression, and hypo-manic.  Pretty much all over the place. I was put on a mood stabilizer called Lamictal. He said that it could take 5 weeks for me to notice a difference. I'll go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm reacting to the meds.

One concern I have is that people have said that mood stabilizing meds can affect your creativity. I'm going to try to not dwell on that, and just pay attention to how my work is affected. I mean, with depression my work is affected anyways. I guess a lot of Bipolars are creative. (writers, artists, ect) Very interesting.

I can't really say why I'm sharing all of this information with you. I'm sure you either find it boring, or you think I'm a nutcase. I guess I just need someone to "talk" to, and a way to get it out there and off my mind. I can't hold all of this inside. Ryan really doesn't want to hear it. He thinks I'm just complaining. Besides, if anyone knows the mess that I can be, it's him. I'm sure he's just processing the information as well.

_____________________________

Kenzie went in for her EEG today, and had all the wires put on. We went to the mall and bought her a fancy summer hat to wear. We're at home now, and she's relaxing on the couch, with the video monitoring her as well. Ya, did I mention that while she's at home she has to be hooked up to a video & audio recorder? So I guess I better wear my modest jammies today. :) I'll post more about her EEG tomorrow.

Thanks for stopping by.
Sara

MRI update

Kenzie went in for her T3 MRI today, without anesthesia, and I am sooooo proud of her. The office we went to has to be the most themed MRI place ever. Everything was done in a tropical beach theme. They had a warm beach scene wall paper in the MRI room, with plastic beach chairs, beach towels, and leis. They even had little fish stickers put up where Kenzie could see them while she laid still for her MRI. The procedure took about 35 minutes, and I truly felt for Kenzie as she had to stay very VERY still. If she moved it would blurr the MRI images, and she would have to retake the test.

I was able to stand by her the whole time, and hold her leg, (her hands were inside the machine where I couldn't reach them.) Her reward for being brave for her MRI was a trip to Build a Bear. I had promised her that she would not get a shot like last time, when she had the anesthesia.

Unfortunately, a doctor came in half way through the procedure to let us know that her doctor requested that she be injected with dye so that we could get better pictures of a specific part of the brain. So, she had to receive this shot, while laying down on the table. AND she wasn't allowed to move her head from where it was at, or it would affect the MRI. I felt bad about breaking the no-shot promise, so I offered her an outfit for her build a bear if she was brave for her shot. She was.

As we were leaving the center they gave Kenzie and I both a little bag filled with fresh baked cookies. Yum. Seriously, I wish more medical offices were like this. They really went above & beyond to make sure that Kenzie was comfortable.

The MRI tech was very impressed with Kenzie, and how well she did for the MRI. He said he's been doing this for 25 years, and most little kids require being sedated in order to keep them still and calm. He said that Kenzie was the exception to that rule, AND she was the youngest patient they had ever had at their practice. :) She's a truly amazing little girl, and I'm so proud of her.

Kenzie will go in next week to get set up for her 48 hour EEG. We've discussed it with her teacher, and her classmates, and Kenzie will be able to attend school while wearing her EEG. She's going to wear a summer hat to school (hats aren't normally allowed) and Kenzie feels special for being able to wear one. Her class is very close & supportive, and I'm glad that she feels comfortable enough to wear the EEG to school. Plus, they're learning about the human anatomy, and they all find it exciting that Kenzie is going to wear a machine that reads brain waves. Very cool indeed.

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In other medical news, I went in to see a psychiatrist yesterday and he diagnosed me as Bipolar II. I wasn't surprised to hear the diagnoses, since I had wondered about it off & on throughout my boughts of depression. This diagnoses was based on family history and my own symptoms. He wants to start me on a medication to even out my moods. I admit that it's not something I wanted to hear. I don't like the label, or the fact that I will carry this label throughout my life. I'm also scared to take any mood altering meds. When I mentioned the diagnoses to a few of my friends they all seems shocked. They said I should get a second opinion. But those closest to me weren't surprised at all.

My plan is to read up on this as much as possible, so that I can start taking control over my life and these symptoms. It's also been recommended that I begin counseling along with the meds, as the best treatment option.

I questioned whether or not to post this information because of it's personal nature, but I know that there's a wealth of information and support available online. My hope is that some of you may have experience with this, or that it might make those of you who also struggle with this condition feel less alone. I know there are certain stigmas attached to this disorder, and I hope that no one judges me for it. A lot of people who have had no experience with depression & mental illness think this is something that you should just be able to control. It's truly not. There are things that can be done to help, like proper diet, exercise, and proper sleep. But there are things that require medication to help you to cope with this condition. It's no different than a diabetic needing insulin. (can you tell that I'm also trying to convince myself of all of this)

Thanks for stopping by, and allowing me to be open. I'll post about Kenzie's EEG next week.
((hugs))
Sara

New Neurologist

So, we switched to a different neurologist, and today was Kenzie's first appointment with him. Her original neruo wasn't very good, and he wasn't explaining anything to me about her conditions. ( I had to turn to the internet for that) He talked down to me when I asked about medications, and he refused to send her school a note explaining that her brain condition could be causing her learning difficulties at school.

This new neruo doctor is fabulous. He really examined Kenzie, and spoke in detail with me about her conditions and symptoms. He told us that the tests run on Kenzie weren't good enough or clear enough to give him a definitive diagnoses. When she went in for her EEG she was supposed to sleep in order to properly read the brain waves they were looking for. Well, she was very scared having to be alone in a room with a strange doctor, while tons of wires were attached to her head. She couldn't sleep. So it makes the EEG inconclusive. The MRI she had was a low grade MRI and it's not strong enough to give us clear images of her brain and what's going on inside there.

In the next two months Kenzie will need to have 3 big tests run on her, and I'm a bit worried about the toll this will take on my sweet little girl. She gets scared very easily, and these tests, while not invasive, are certainly intimidating to a 6 year old.

First, she needs to have a T3 MRI. (whatever that mean) It's basically a much stronger MRI, and will help us to get a clearer image of her brain. This will help the doctor to decide if she does in fact have focal cortical dysplasia.

Then she needs to have a 48 HOUR EEG test done. She will go into the doctors office where they will apply all the wires to her head, like before. Only this time she will go home with them on, along with a device that will read her brain waves during all her activities for 48 full hours. They want to get a full picture of what her brain waves are doing while she sleeps.

Finally, because the doctor is concerned about her possibly have sleep apnea (which may contribute to her migraines OR seizures if she's having them) She'll need to go in for a night at a Sleep Center. This time they'll place wires on her head, have monitors on her chest, and her face to read how she's breathing while she sleeps. I'll be able to spend the night in the room with her.

All of these tests are to rule out seizures as the cause of her cyclical vomiting. If she does in fact have FCD (focal cortical dysplasia) the FCD could be causing the seizures. The doctor also said that if she does have FCD in her Left Frontal Lobe it could very well be causing her learning difficulties. This is great, because it would give her all the help she needs at school. The school requires a note from her doctor so that she can be approved for funding. As it is now she's falling *just* below grade level for Kindergarten, and the school was considering holding her back another year. We decided to move her forward because there are more programs available to her in the 1st grade.

*breathing deeply* (trying to remember to exhale) I know everything is going to be ok. I hope that our medical covers all of this, and that we wont be hit with a pricey 20% of the cost of the procedures. We still owe on her previous MRI, and on a procedure I had done last month.

Oh, and my check is STILL being held at the bank. They wont release it until Thursday morning.

My stress level is high, and I'm amazed that I haven't had a breakdown at this point. I have been more emotional that normal, which brings us to Mental health. I'm going in next Tuesday to see a psychiatrist. BUT, that's a different story all together. :)

Thanks for reading, and keeping us in your thoughts.
*mwah*
Sara

blog therapy

I know, I've up & disappeared again. But I have a good reason. This week began like any other, and I was all motivated to work and be busy and get things done.

Then on Tuesday I hear that my Mom was in the hospital, and had been there for 3 days. I freaked.

Flashback to 3 years ago when my Mom was in the hospital over Christmas. Ryan was laid off work, we were living with his family, and I had an emotional breakdown. Literally. My Mom had been hospitalized with Pneumonia. It wasn't going away, and had progressed. She then developed something called Emyema, which is a nasty fluid outside her lung. In the course of treatment they discovered that my Mom was now Type 2 diabetic. This makes things more difficult to treat. I'm not clear on all the details, but the surgeons went in surgically to remove the fluid that had built up, and to place a drainage tube. I think it was because of the surgery she then developed MRSA! You know, that staph infection that's very difficult to treat.

My Mom was in the ICU for 3 weeks. I went in to see her once, and I had never seen anyone so ill. I thought we were going to lose her. The doctors thought they were going to lose her. It was a very scary time for everyone.

With many prayers, and my Mom being the fighter that she is, she pulled through and healed, and got all better.

Well, I guess this Emyema stuff is pretty difficult to get rid of, cause she was hospitalized again with it this week.

So, back to me freaking out. Instantly upon hearing the news of her hospitalization I returned to the emotional state I was in 3 years ago, and thoughts of losing my Mother crossed my mind. My Father died when I was 17, and even though I barely knew him the pain of that was difficult enough to deal with. I thought to myself, "I'm too young to lose BOTH of my parents".

The doctors at first wanted to go in surgically again to drain the fluid and to take a biopsy of her lung. BUT, due to the fact that an open wound could cause the MRSA to return they decided instead to treat with intensive anti-biotics.

I'm happy to report that my Mom is back at home and starting to feel much MUCH better. It's a huge relief for all of us, and I'm so grateful that she wasn't as ill as she had been before. I love you Mom. :)

I'm sure you can all imagine the stress and emotions of this week. My stomach has been in knots and I haven't been of much use to anyone around here.

On top of all of this, my family had been waiting on a check, and we received it. Yay! My kids are in need of summer clothes, and we needed to stock up on things around the house. You know, the usual. Well, I take the check in to deposit it and the bank puts a freaking 7 day hold on my check!!! Seriously. Apparently it's more money than we're allowed to have. We've spent time on the phone with the bank trying to see how we can speed up the process, but it seems there's little we can do. They made me feel like it wasn't our money, and that they needed to see if we deserved to have the hold removed from our check. This is all based on how long you've been banking with them, how much money you normally have in your account, and how often you've been overdrawn. Let's just say I'm a bit pissed.

Then to make things worse, Ryan received a small check yesterday. I take the check in and decide to cash it, instead of letting this blasted bank have more of our money. Instead of marking the check as being cashed, the bank teller marks it as a withdrawal from our already small account!!! Seriously, so now we're down money on some tellers error. Luckily I checked my account later that day (in the hopes of the hold being released) and I immediately rushed over to the bank to fix the error. It turns out that even though this error was their fault they're unable to replace the funds in our account until MONDAY! OMGood grief!

Let's just say that after 9 years with this bank we're currently looking for a new one. Does anyone know of a good reputable bank?

At this point I'm a ball of nerves and emotion. I sure hope next week is better, and that I can get back to focusing on my work and the tasks of daily life. Until then, I plan to curl up in my blankets, snuggle my kids, and watch some chick flicks.

*mwah*
Sara

Winners!!!

Yay! Thank you all for your very sweet comments. It feels so good to have some digital stuff up, even if it's only a paper pack.

I used the very handy Random.org to pick the numbers for the drawings. These numbers are based on the order you posted in.

#5 Courtney @ 9:31pm

#6 Brittany @ 9:33pm

#12 Lisa B. @ 3:57am

#24 Gen @ 2:33pm

#26 Noelle @ 4:40pm

Woohooo! Congratulations to our winners. I'll be emailing you shortly with a link to download the paper pack.

To everyone else who posted I will be sending you a special $1 off coupon for REnew! :) Yay!

Thanks again for the warm welcome back.

Be sure to check back often. I will be have a new giveaway every Monday in April, and you wont want to miss out on all the goodies! It's going to be soooo fun!

*mwah*
Sara

REnew

I have a little surprise for you. :) I'm coming out of digital "retirement" for a very fun guest spot @ Funkyplaygroundesigns!!!!!! While I was at CHA I met up with the fabulous Cornia Nielsen & Traci Murphy and we got to talking about FPD, and they invited me to be a guest. I had to accept. I have missed digital so much, and FPD is so fun & fresh.

I put together a sweet spring floral paper pack to start things off for the month of April, called REnew. You can pick it up HERE.

This is just a starter. I'm going to be busy making other fun goodies to offer this month.
Thanks to the girls at FPD for allowing me to be their guest! It's so nice to switch things up.

As a treat to those who read my (neglected) blog, post below by 8 pm PST Monday April 7th, and I'll pick FIVE random posters to receive REnew for FREE!

*mwah*
Sara

Parker on potty training

Yes, Parker will be 4 on Tuesday, and he's STILL not potty trained. Even with all of our best potty training skills, he's never actually peed on the potty. There are essentially 3 things preventing him from being trained at this point.

1. Fear & Anxiety (ok, that's 2 things)

2. He's too smart for his own good.

3. He's very VERY strong willed.

The other day we were talking to Parker about all the friends he has that are potty trained. Here's how the conversation went down.

Ryan : Ya, everyone is potty trained. Except for babies. Babies wear diapers.

Me: AND babies wear pull-ups too. (he thinks pull-ups are the exception)

Parker: Babies wear pull-ups, really?!! Hmmm, that's funny cause pull-ups are so stylish & functional.

Me: Did he just say what I think he said? Seriously. We may never get him toilet trained. *sigh*

See, he's too smart for his own good.
Have a great weekend.
*mwah*
Sara

happiness

Parker and I were having lunch at Panda Express the other day. (he just *loves* Chinese noodles) About halfway through lunch he asks me to open his fortune cookie, and read him his story.

It read: "Look for happiness and you will find it."

After a few more minutes of scarfing down noodles Parker proudly announces,

"Mom! I found my happiness."

*sigh* I love my silly little man-cake. (nickname, I have no idea when I came up with it)

Enjoy these goofy pictures snapped during our noodle lunch.

BTW, one week from today Parker will be 4 years old!! It goes by way too fast.
*mwah*
Sara